There is no escape. Photo: Marcelo Aguero/EyeEm/Getty Images

In what can only be described as a nihilistic bear hug for a burning world, Olive Garden has announced something it calls a “Lifetime Pasta Pass.” Now you can finally enter an endless well of Alfredo sauce as the Olive Gardener beckons you: “Come and eat pasta with us, Danny. For ever, and ever, and ever.”

Oh wait, there’s a catch: You must be one of the first 50, uh, lucky individuals to buy this year’s version of the chain’s annual $100 Pasta Pass when it debuts on August 15. The way it works is: If you’re one of the chosen few, your pasta pass will instead cost $400, and you are then entitled to “a lifetime of unlimited servings of pastas, sauces, and toppings. Plus unlimited soup or salad and breadsticks.” (This begs the question: if it’s unlimited, why do you need to choose between soup or salad? Just get both.) Olive Garden’s Jennifer Arguello, an executive vice president for marketing, explains that the “deal” is rooted in the chain’s core values. Speaking to MLive, she says, “Olive Garden has always been known for Italian Generosity,” which is one way to look at it.

Olive Garden is probably banking on the fact that, should these 50 customers take full advantage of the deal and eat Olive Garden pasta every single day, a “lifetime” of never-ending pasta probably won’t last all that long. It’s hard to imagine a more American way of going out than clogging one’s arteries with a sea of Alfredo sauce. Good luck getting that pass.