Slowikowska, and her “springula” smoothie. Photo: Sarah Kilcoyne

“I’m always being humbled,” jokes the comedian and actress Veronika Slowikowska. Fresh off her “Canadian star moment” back home to promote her new Hulu series, Davey & Jonesie’s Locker, she was delayed for a day trying to get back to New York. Even after she returned, an empty pantry in Brooklyn meant the only thing to put on top of some eggs were some suspiciously old Tostitos. “I think because I was a struggling artist for so long, eggs are the only source of protein I know how to cook. That’s how I saved my money,” she says. “Now, I can afford chicken, but I still don’t know how to cook it.”

Thursday, April 4
I’d been in Toronto to do press for my new show and then to get a gum graft. I moved to New York from Toronto because it’s an hour by plane. On Wednesday, I’d shown up for a 6 p.m. flight thinking I’d be back in New York by 7:30. I had two flights canceled, then I got a hotel voucher and a spot on the first flight in the morning. Thank God for the 8 a.m., but I had to be up at five.

I thought I’d be able to make it until 9, when I’d land, to eat breakfast, but I couldn’t do it. I had a vanilla-almond protein bar. I love a sweet breakfast, and this was sweet enough.

When I got to New York, my roommate and podcast co-host Kyle picked me up and drove us back to Brooklyn. I got a smoothie from Grounded Cafe, which is also a yoga studio. While I was there, a woman was having a full-on Zoom call in the middle of a silent yoga café, doing therapy or some shit. I thought, I’m back in America. No one would ever do that in Canada.

I always get a blueberry-spirulina smoothie. I have a real issue with saying spirulina. For some reason, in my brain, it goes “springula.” I don’t know why. I was working a job one time, and someone asked for my smoothie order and I was like, “bananas, spinach, and springula,” with a rolled r. Every time I order my smoothie, I have to hold myself back from saying it like that.

After I took a nap, I just wanted a healthy thing or whatever was in my cabinet. I’ve convinced myself that the Lesser Evil Power Curls are healthy even though they’re just like Cheetos. I also had some almonds and cashews.

I was exhausted, but I had two self-tapes to do. I was out of commission for a week because I had a black eye and a bruised cheek from my gum graft. Honestly, I wasn’t fully healed and you could still very much see it in the self-tape. I looked like a zombie.

I went out for sushi at Hakashi in Greenpoint. It’s not fancy; it’s just good, and you eat for $15. I got a salmon-avocado roll. When I got back, I had a ginger-turmeric tea and one of those Girl Scout peanut-butter cookies.

Friday, April 5
Today I had my eighth callback for a show. I had oatmeal that I make with almond butter, ground flaxseeds, cinnamon, and Greek yogurt. It’s kind of like an overnight thing, but I just put it in the fridge for half an hour when I shower. I also ate a banana and drank a ginger-turmeric tea. I have never been a coffee drinker. I don’t drink caffeine.

I did a Melissa Wood workout video before the callback. I heard dark chocolate is really good for memory and energy. After eight callbacks, I knew everyone on the Zoom as soon as I logged on, and it felt all wonderful and dandy.

It went well. Then. I made myself some scrambled eggs. I didn’t have avocado — I hadn’t grocery shopped since I’d been in Toronto so long — but I found some Tostitos. I wasn’t sure how old they were, so I asked my roommate if they were fine. He looked at me like, I think so? That was good enough for me.

Kyle and I started recording an episode of our podcast, and in the middle of the episode we were starving, so we ordered Cava bowls live while recording. We had a whole list of things to talk about on the episode, and we didn’t get to any of it because we were so focused on ordering Cava. We will never do that again. It is probably the worst episode we’ve ever recorded. But I’ll never find out if people hated it; I’m in this new phase where I’m not really reading comments. The nice comments never stick. I could get a million of those, and seeing one that’s like, You’re falling off, makes me think they are right.

After we finished recording, I had a Girl Scout peanut-butter cookie because I always need a sweet treat. The callback was sort of looming in my head, but I felt confident that they wouldn’t call me back so many times if they didn’t love me. I did everything I possibly could, and they had seen me in every situation.

Since it was Friday and I hadn’t drank in a while because of my gum surgery, I thought it was time to get a drink. We went to Goldie’s and had a mezcal negroni and mezcal Panther. They were very strong, and I definitely got drunk. But I love to sleep early, so by the time it was midnight, we were already Ubering back home. We sat on the couch, ate more of the old Tostitos, and watched Entourage.

Saturday, April 6
My roommates, Kyle and Michael, who I make all my videos with, cooked me an omelet and avocado. It was a cute little brunch. I also had a banana with peanut butter.

We took the ferry to the Dover Street Market since it’s the fastest way from Greenpoint. I had never been on the ferry before. Why am I not always doing this? I kind of hate the subway. I know it’s fast and everything, but when it’s nice out, I am really over it. I’d rather spend my money on Ubers, even if I shouldn’t. I’m a little gremlin about the subway.

Kyle got an amazing chocolate-chip cookie at the market, and I had a bite. We shopped with my friend Billie Rose. She’s also my stylist. I did spend a good amount of money there. We took the subway back, and I got a raspberry kefir. For dinner, I had the other half of my Cava bowl and another peanut-butter Girl Scout cookie. They have the word oatmeal in them, so I have, of course, convinced myself they are healthy.

I had a Sleepytime tea, and Michael put The Big Short on in the background before we all went to bed.

Sunday, April 7
On the weekends, I like to get a decaf latte. Why would I spend seven dollars on a latte that doesn’t really do anything for me? It’s just a taste treat for a nice day.

Went home, worked out, and had scrambled eggs with avocado. I like my eggs kind of burnt. It’s really nasty. I don’t like runny eggs at all. Maybe “burnt” is a bad description, but I like them really dry. Well done. It’s a red flag, I know.

I’m a new egg eater. I only started in the last four years. I knew everyone was always eating their eggs, and I needed to see what I was missing out on. I grew up only eating bread and pasta with butter. I was one of those kids. I refused to try anything else. My parents are Polish immigrants, so it didn’t help that they would feed me all of these crazy Polish foods like Jell-O with chicken in it. I like some Polish foods now — pierogies, borscht, cabbage rolls — but when they serve a strawberry soup or jiggly gelatin fish on the side, that’s too far.

I mostly spent the day deep-cleaning my apartment and organizing stuff after being gone. Then it was work time. I had some videos to shoot at the Rangers game, which was so fun. They were playing Montreal. I care about hockey a little. In Canada, hockey is our football.

They gave us access to the Delta Lounge, which is the best thing in the world. It’s all free food. There’s salmon and braised fucking beef and tacos and candy bars and cheesecakes. It’s unreal. I had some salmon sushi and an arugula salad, then some pizza and popcorn. I had a lot of those Crunch mini-bars. I love a little rice in my chocolate. At the end of the game, we got to go on the ice.

I came home, had a Sleepytime tea and watched the new RuPaul’s Drag Race episode.

Monday, April 8
I had my almond-butter oatmeal, this time with apple and cinnamon. I had my usual ginger-turmeric tea and did a workout before a pitch meeting.

Immediately after I got off the meeting, I found out I didn’t get the part I’d had eight callbacks for. There were a bunch of reasons that were out of my control, but there was still a dark cloud over me saying, You’ll never work again, you’re hideous, you’re the worst actor ever, and by the way, everyone hates you, including your family. I decided to go back to the things I could control and like to do. I had three really great video ideas, and I just didn’t give a shit. You’re the funniest when you’re saddest — that’s how it is. We prepped for our Bell House shows, both sold out, which made me feel better.

I had more ginger tea and made some non-runny eggs because I just had to eat something. I went to watch the eclipse in McCarren Park. Seeing the sky like that and the huge crowd watching, it was a moment of realizing nothing really matters. It was sweet. I got to be with my friends and all of these people taking time out of their day to look at the moon cover the Sun or whatever the fuck happened. Earth keeps spinning.

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